When a 15th-century prince denounces God after the loss of his wife he inherits an eternal curse: he becomes Dracula. Condemned to wander the centuries, he defies fate and death, guided by a single hope – to be reunited with his lost love.

If you’re going to retell a story that’s been done to death (har har), you really need to bring something new to it beyond anthropomorphic gargoyles. Ostensibly based on Bram Stoker’s original novel, French auteur Luc Besson (The Fifth Element, Leon: The Professional, La Femme Nikita) wrote and directed this film that checks a lot of the same boxes as nearly every Dracula movie before.

Caleb Landry Jones is the titular vampire, Vlad, who we see as a young prince in love with Elisabeta, being physically pulled off of ravaging her so he can go to war. Elisabeta is killed trying to escape the conflict, and Vlad turns his back on God, which is full demonstrated when he murders his priest. Cut to 400 years later and Vlad is an old man, Elisabeta is kind of reincarnated as Mina, and nothing matters to him but reuniting with his love. I think that’s it, I kind of fell asleep somewhere in there.

Christoph Waltz is a priest (I don’t know if he gets a name, but Father Van Helsing wouldn’t be a stretch) up on his vampire lore who is out to stop Vlad, and it’s a shame that this is what this two-time Oscar winner is spending his time on. The movie looks beautiful in a lot of scenes, but some of the castle exteriors look way too fake for the technology available. I found myself laughing in some scenes that weren’t meant to be funny. And see above re: sleeping through others meant to be exciting. The whole thing was just a mess to me. Matilda De Angelis as Maria, a fresh vamp, is probably the best thing about the film, but that’s not saying a whole lot.

Jonathan’s grade – D